There are two guys in a coffee shop chatting one morning. One of them has a cup of coffee and the other one is having scrambled eggs for breakfast. He’s eating very fast. The other one is looking with a mild disgust.
“What? There’s something on my face?”
“Do you have to eat that fast? It seems like someone is going to steal your food and kill you. Are those eggs evidence for a pending trial you have?”
The breakfast guy mocked, “Very funny. What are you? A butler? I’m just eating.”
“No, you are devouring your meal. Have some manners. We’re talking here.”
A nice looking girl entered the coffee shop and sat on the counter. She ordered an orange juice and began to read the news.
“Wow, check that girl out. Nice,” said the coffee guy.
“Go talk to her,” answered his friend with haste.
“Are you insane? What the hell am I supposed to say?”
“There’s this word in the English language that people use sometimes: ‘hello’”
The Breakfast guy leaned into the table. “Do I need to give you a crash course on human interaction? You get off this table, walk towards her and when you reach enough distance to begin a conversation you start to talk.”
“Dude, I don’t know her.”
“Oh, really? Then forget it. I thought she was your best friend in the world. Never mind, just imagine she doesn’t exist. She’ll be out of your life in no time”. The breakfast guy continued to eat his eggs.
The girl continued reading the news.
The guy with the coffee took a small sip from his mug. “So, you want me to talk to her?”
“No, YOU want to talk to her. I want you to get laid. And you need a woman to do that.”
“It would be weird if I get up and talk to her.”
“Yes, it would be CRAZY!!” He said it while gesturing with the silverware.
The coffee guy frowned.
“Bro, you don’t have to talk to her. But how would you react if she came to this table and said ‘hey, I noticed you from the counter. Want to have a cup of coffee with me?’”
“Are you stupid? That’s like the best-case-scenario ever.”
“Well, maybe you are her best-case-scenario.”
The coffee guy curled his lips and raised one eyebrow. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you become a motivational speaker? I’d be a stranger coming onto a girl on a coffee shop.”
“Oh my god, you would be a PIONEER in that area,” said the breakfast guy with sarcasm. “Are there any records of men doing that in modern times? Do I have to pay you to go talk to her?”
“There aren’t free seats by her side.”
“Then fate has spoken. Let us let her slide through your existence for there is no throne waiting for you.”
“You don’t have to be sarcastic.”
“I know, it’s a plus. Look, I just finished shoving my breakfast down my throat -as you would put it- so you can tell her I’m leaving and you would appreciate her company.”
“I might as well tell her I want to rape her. This is not a swingers club, it’s a coffee shop.”
“Dude! You don’t… fucking… know… her. Worst case scenario, she tells you to jerk off. So, you’re still coming. It’s a win-win situation.”
“I’m just having coffee. It could get very uncomfortable.”
The breakfast guy put ten bucks on the table, got up from his seat and walked up to the girl on the counter.
“Hello lady. How are you?”
She seemed surprised. “Hi, do we know each other?”
“No. Look, over there is my friend. He’s having coffee alone and we just spent the last five minutes discussing how inappropriate would be for him to ask you to join him. He has a strong fear of rejection so he came up with a million excuses to avoid having this conversation with you, but deep down I’m sure he would love to have a morning drink with you. Me, I’m leaving.”
She glanced at the coffee guy and gestured. “So, he didn’t build up the courage to ask me so he sent you?”
“No, he just created a very high image of you where your expectations are far beyond those of finding a common guy with good intentions and a nice sense of humor, and he didn’t send me. If you ask me, you have the upper hand.”
“What if those expectations are true?”
“Then, you are a bitch and stay the fuck away from my friend.”
The breakfast guy grabbed his coat and left the place.